The Great Search Term Round Up: Volume 2

The search terms that made the cut for this month's installment.

Here we are, friends, at the end of another month.  Can 2009 be almost half over already?!  Be that as it may, the time has come for me to look at the search terms, and try to address them.  Some I will address with a Straight Face.  With some, my tongue will be firmly planted in my cheek.  And with others, I won’t be able to see to type since my eyes will be rolled Heavenward.

I will take the liberty of phrasing everything in the form of a question.  I can’t help it; I’m a Jeopardy! fan.  As a matter of fact, Miss Jill, Frau and I used to spend weekend nights in college making up whole Jeopardy games.  And then playing them.  Whoever made up the game got to be Alex, of course.  Oh, those crazy college days.  Seems like I’m leaving someone out, since we’d have to have an Alex and three players.  I’m sorry unknown-but-pivotal fourth player.

Anyway, here we go.

May I sprinkle sugar crystals on my croissants before baking? Yes, please do.  Put a wee piece (or not so wee piece) of bittersweet chocolate inside before rolling it up, and you’ll have a pain au chocolat.  Yay!  Incidentally, if you ever end up accidentally making a batch of chocolate seize up and you can’t think of anything else to do with it, keep it and saw off hunks to use in the centers of croissants.  Since the chocolate has seized, it will get kind of soft in the oven, but it won’t ooze out and Make a Mess when you bite into it.  And it will taste just fine.

Do you have any cheesecake friends? Well, I have never met a cheesecake I didn’t like.  As long as there was enough salt in it.  Salt really helps cheesecake.  My friend Ron often sings a song about munching on cheesecake.  Here is a video.  But this isn’t Ron.  This is a muppet.
And then, there was this comedian in the 80s named I-am-drawing-a-blank, but he did this bit where he talked about New York cheesecake– “what?  It’s imported?!”  And then, in a high, little boy voice, he’d say, “Hey, Billy!  Let’s go down to the docks!  The cheesecake boat’s a’comin’!”  And then, he’d pretend to be driving the boat (you know what I mean), and would sing, “Cheesecake boat’s a’comin!  Gonna party tonight!”  And that’s all the cheesecake friends I have.

Is it wrong for a person to eat another person? Yes.  It’s called cannibalism, and there are Rules about Such Things.  Just say no.

How do I make a pressed sandwich? I guess that depends on whether you want a hot pressed sandwich or a cold one.  To make a hot one, like a panini, you can use almost any sort of meat/cheese/veggie fillings, slap them between hearty bread slices (or a split loaf) with the cheese closest to the bread on both sides (to act as glue) and throw it in your swanky panini press or your George Foreman grill.  Or do what I do and heat up both of your cast iron skillets.  Put the sammich in one, and put the other one on top of the sammich to act as the heated press.  If you want a cold pressed sammich, read this.  Or, like Benny, you could just use your iron.  I know I keep mentioning Benny and Joon; I can’t help it.  It’s one of my favorite movies, and it always seems to offer PMAT-Post-Appropriate Illustrations.

What’s the technique for getting cream puffs to rise? First, you have to make sure that your cream puff batter (pâte à choux) is at the right consistency.  It should sort of slowly flow off of the end of your raised beater into a point.  Then, you have to make sure your oven is hot enough to make the moisture in the batter turn to steam quickly, forcing a rise.  I start pâte à choux out at 450F in a conventional oven and at about 425F in a convection oven.  Once puffed and light gold, turn the heat down to about 375F or 350F for convection to help them continue to set up, crisp up and dry out.  They should be a pretty deep golden brown when finished.  If your cream puffs deflate once you take them out of the oven, it’s because the sides aren’t firm enough to hold up the tops.  For small puffs, start at the higher temperature for about 15 minutes, and then reduce the temperature and continue to bake for at least another 15-20 minutes before you even open the oven to check on them.

What are the pastry chef secrets to getting a crusty muffin top? It’s no secret, or maybe it’s an open secret:  to get crusty muffin tops, put some stuff on top that will get crusty when baked.  Apply a decent layer of coarse sugar before baking, or pile on some streusel (with or without nuts), pressing down gently to make sure it holds together and sticks to the muffin.  And remember, bake muffins at a high temperature to get that nicely domed top–start them at 400-425F.  Seriously.

Sorry, Alex.  I can’t ask this in the form of a question, because I have no idea what it means:  April coats fruit.  Anyone?  Does the month really provide little coats to fruit?  I can just see a line of thin-skinned fruits waiting to receive their coats.  Or maybe April is a girl, and she’s coating fruit with….something.  Help me, please.

Is there an emergency substitute for Cool Whip? Hello, this is pastry 911.  What is the nature of your emergency?  I’m out of Cool Whip, and I need to top a pie!  Help me!!! Ma’am, calm down.  I can talk you through this.  Hurry!  Please, hurry!! Do you have your Emergency Cool Whip Substitute box?  Yes!  I’ve never had to use it before!  Oh, please help me!!! Okay, ma’am.  Break the glass with the wee mallet and grab the Sacred Pint of Whipping Cream.  Okay.  I’ve got it.  Oh, it’s cold! Yes, ma’am.  It whips better that way.  Whip it with some sugar, vanilla and a pinch of salt.  Oh, it’s getting thicker!  It’s magic! No ma’am.  It’s a foam.  Steady…..steady….is it standing up in peaks?  Uh huh.  Is it….edible? Yes, ma’am.  We recommend it over Cool Whip, actually.  Wow.  I had no idea.  Crisis averted.  Hey, this stuff isn’t half bad! We’re here to help.  Don’t forget to restock your ECWS box.

What can I do with duck lard? Thank you, Lord, for people who ask such questions.  First, lard comes from pigs, so not so much on the duck lard.  But, use duck fat in savory pastry, or be really over the top and fry your french fries in it.  Now I’m thinking–duck and fruit is a lovely combination.  Try making a pie crust with duck fat and use it for a sour cherry pie.  Sweet!

How do I make holes in pie crust? Oh, dear.  I assume they mean for venting steam.  Um, cut some holes. O:je soudo udi couehe.  Oh, sorry.  My eyes rolled Heavenward for a moment.  I’m okay now; thanks for asking.

Can I use spray whipped cream instead of regular whipped cream for stuff? I wouldn’t.  I don’t mind an occasional spray of Reddi Wip on a bowl of fruit or a piece of pie (although it does contain corn syrup, artificial flavor [um, it’s cream–what up?] and carrageenan [for body, I assume]), but it’s made with light cream, so if you try and fold it into something else, say melted chocolate for making mousse or something, it will break down into a liquid-y mess.

How do I make ground graham cracker crumbs? Weioj diujo ohghb vii o;auwo.  Iowej?!  Translation:  take graham crackers.  Grind them up.

And that’s it for this month’s round up.  I have a Sunday Supper post lurking in the wings.  I might get to it today, but the Beloved and I have a date with the New Spock and Kirk, et al, so it might not happen until tomorrow.