Tag Archives: Cool Whip

The Great Search Term Round Up: Volume VI

1 Jul

In Which we find ourselves at the end of another month (okay, the beginning), ready to help answer your burning pastry questions.

Yes, it has been Quite the little While since I’ve done a search term round up.  But I have a reason.  Wanna hear?  Okay.  I keep seeing the same search terms over and over again, and frankly, it was getting a little boring.  So just for fun, today I decided to look up the stats on search terms for All Time.  That’s since October 2008.  And here are the Top Ten Search Terms:

  1. quinoa
  2. butter
  3. ice
  4. jack o lantern
  5. creaming method
  6. jackolantern
  7. biscuit method
  8. jack-o-lantern
  9. jack-o-lanterns
  10. cool whip substitute

Apparently, my Typical Readers are cake-making, pumpkin-carving, ancient-grain-eating, cold-fat-loving Cool Whip haters.  At last:  I’ve discovered my niche.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure that I can add anything to that Top Ten.  Therefore, I am taking the liberty this Independence Day weekend of making my own Top Ten List.  One that more truly reflects PMAT and all for which it stands.

Don’t forget:  I’m here to help.

1.  How do you make Cool Whip from Whipping Cream? Do you see what I have to deal with, people?  It’s a wonder I’m not sniping from a rooftop somewhere.  By the way, mercifully, the answer to that question is you can’t.

2.  Brother Spectacular Chicken There are no words.  Maybe they meant, “Brother, that is one Spectacular Chicken!”  Or maybe Brother Spectacular, from the Order of Poultry, is a chicken.  In that case, it should say Brother Spectacular? Chicken.

3.  Ice cream with apples and caramel If you’re asking, don’t mind if I do.

4.  What items do you need to make a cheese cake? Is this a trick question?  They could be talking about this.  Or this. Confuzzling.

5.  If You Me More So Maybe I not you.  Less so.  Maybe not.  You’re welcome.

6.  White things that float in the air What about them?  make me sneeze?  are from outer space?  are only real in my mind?  mean that I’m at the pillow factory?  I give up.

7.  Are there any salted caramel sorbet recipes? Generally speaking, there is no dairy in sorbet, so you can’t technically make a salted caramel sorbet.  So, no.  But, you could call it ice cream.  Make your caramel.  Add salt to taste.  Add some milk.  Do the egg test.  Add more milk if the egg is floating too high or some corn syrup if the egg is floating too low.  Chill and spin.  Put in face.

8.  Water kitchen Possible responses:  a) Call a plumber.  b) I’m glad you have a boat.  Good for you.  c) No, water plants.

9.  How to make Cool Whip stiff Hit it with some liquid nitrogen.  Then throw it away.

10.  How do you whip whole eggs? Contrary to popular belief, you can whip whole eggs.  And it’s much more stable than just whipped whites because of the lecithin in the yolks.  So, why would you want to whip whole eggs?  1) Sabayon.  Nice!  2) Genoise.  Ditto.

And there you have it.  Happy Heart-of-Summer, everyone.  See you in a few days.

The Great Search Term Round Up: Volume 4

31 Jul
In Which we find ourselves at the end of another month, ready to help answer your burning pastry questions.

In Which we find ourselves at the end of another month, ready to help answer your burning pastry questions.

I love the end of the month.  For 14 seconds, we have money, until it all goes out the door to pay the bills.  Also, it’s the cusp of a new month, and that’s exciting.  Last but not least, it’s time for the search term round up.  I have gotten to the point that I am positively Giddy With Anticipation over doing this post.  It’s really the only post that I plan out:  I keep a notepad handy and write down the most interesting, amusing and/or absurd search terms by which folks have found me.

The rules, for those of you who’ve not enjoyed a round up before are simple:  Where possible, I take the liberty of framing the search terms in the form of a question.  I try to give some good information in response to some of the questions, but I Really enjoy the Ridiculing of the Ludicrous, so let’s see where this takes us today, shall we?

Here’s one I just cannot Get Away From.  Is Cool Whip a Natural Ingredient? Not unless plastic tubs grow on trees and little orange men are scooping poofy cream out of the spots on large red toadstools to put in said tree-grown tubs.  Enough with the Cool Whip questions already.  But wait.  Here’s a variation I’ve not seen before:  What is a good substitute for French Vanilla Cool Whip? My head is spinning around in a Linda Blair-esque fashion.  Pea soup spews forth, making Quite the Mess.  The sow is mine.  And that’s what I have to say about that.

Can you replace lemon with lime in sour mix? This is a good question.  Most basic sour mix recipes call for equal parts of lemon and lime juice, but you can make yours with a different ratio.  We used to make ours with 3 parts lime juice and 1 part lemon juice.  You can go all lemon or all lime, too, depending on what you’ll be using it for.

What is soft food? Take some food.  Put it in your mouth.  Chew.  Does it crunch?  Does it crumble?  Does it make any sound at all?  If it does, it is Not Soft.  If it doesn’t, it is.  No, no need to thank me.  I’m here to help.

How can I use up leftover whipping cream? This seems like a Dumb Question, although our teachers (even Yours Truly, back in the day) always told us that there’s no such thing as a Dumb Question.  Believe you me, though, if you could listen to their souls, they would be silently screaming as they said it.  At any rate, this really isn’t a dumb question.  We’ve all had a few ounces of whipping cream leftover from recipes.  Here are some ideas for how to use it up:

  • Whip it and put it on berries or cake.
  • Put a little in your coffee.
  • Mix it with some milk to make homemade 1/2 and 1/2, and then put it in your coffee.
  • Use it to finish pasta–this is the way I most often use mine up.
  • Use it as part of your liquid for making a cake or waffles or pancakes.  As long as you’re only using an ounce or two, you shouldn’t need to adjust the amount of fat in the recipe.

Here’s one that goes along with the first whipping cream question.  What foods can you put whipped cream on? Friends, you can put whipped cream on Any Food.  It’s not always a good idea, mind you, but you can.  Instead of holding my head in my hands and letting out a scream of Existential Woe before moving on, I will point out that whipped cream doesn’t always have to be sweet.  Throw some salt and pepper in it along with some herbs, and you can use it as a garnish for soup or even on top of mashed potatoes.  How about a quenelle of basil whipped cream on some gazpacho or tomato soup?  Chive whipped cream on a baked potato?  Sage whipped cream as a garnish for Thanksgiving dinner?  The cream would melt down into the gravy, and that equals Gravy Nirvana.

Do you have any puff pastry tarte tatin banana recipes? This question answers itself.  Here’s the thinking:  I have puff pastry.  I have bananas.  I like tarte tatin.  They are upside down.  What flavors go well with banana?  Caramel!  Here’s the procedure.  Slice up your bananas.  Arrange them attractively (or not) in your cast iron skillet.  Make some caramel sauce and pour it over the bananas.  Top everything with puff pastry, bake it until it’s risen and deep golden brown.  Take it out of the oven, let it sit for a few minutes, and then turn it out onto a serving platter.  See?  This person didn’t need a recipe.  What they needed was a procedure to combine the ingredients they had on hand.  And, after all, isn’t that what a recipe really is?

Help! I can’t roll my pastry thin enough. This is where parchment paper comes in.  If you roll between 2 sheets of parchment, it’s much easier to get the pastry thin enough.  And, if you roll the dough before chilling it, it’s even easier.

Do you have any moving day recipes? Yes.  It’s called Take Out Menu.

What are the best techniques for going down on a girl? I’m sorry.  I can’t help you with this one.  Try calling 976-BABE.

How can I make a creamy lemon mousse tart? This is like the banana puff pastry question.  You want a tart, so you’ll need a tart shell.  Make one.  You want creamy lemon mousse, so make some lemon curd and fold it into some gelatin-stabilized whipped cream.  Pour it into your tart shell.  Chill.  Eat.

How come I can’t use a water bath for my bread? I wish I could question these questioners.  Since I can’t, I will assume that this question has to do with wanting some moisture in the oven at the beginning of the baking period.  Professional kitchens have steam injectors that, surprise, inject steam into the baking chamber during the first few minutes of baking.  Home ovens don’t so much have steam injectors, so we have to Make Do.  Many folks spray their loaves with water.  Some folks squirt some water into the oven when they put their loaves in.  Others throw 2-3 ice cubes in a pan on the oven floor.  These three techniques only use a little bit of water.  The water serves to help gelatinize the starches on the outside of the loaves, resulting in a thin, crackly crust.  Once the gelatinization Happens, which doesn’t take long, the water needs to Go Away.  If you have too much water in the oven, as with a water bath, the surface of the bread won’t set up and brown correctly.  The Maillard reactions and caramelization that brown the crust don’t start happening until the surface is at about 340F.  If the oven environment is Overly Moist, the surface of the bread isn’t going to get over the boiling point of water, so you’ll end up with steamed bread, not baked bread.

How can I draw cheesecake? Well, that depends on if you’re playing Win, Lose or Draw or if you subscribe to the School of Realism.  If the former, a triangle with circles in it can represent cheese, and a rectangle with candles on it can represent the cake.  I was on the Win, Lose or Draw championship team in college, so I know Whereof I Speak.  If the latter, I would suggest using colored pencils.

Pringles aren’t really food, are they? Not so much.

And, because I am a Glutton for Punishment: Am I allergic to something in Cool Whip? On a molecular level, we are all allergic to Cool Whip, whether or not we admit it to ourselves.

And that, my friends, is that.  The Beloved and I are going to Charlotte today so he can transfer his homebrew from the primary fermentation carboy to another one.  I am going because I will be attending the Idols Live Tour avec Ma Mère on Samedi.  We are both all Extremely Excited to see our Glittery Alien Prince up close, or at least in person.  I have purchased an Adequately Sparkly Ensemble and some lovely dark blue nail polish.  Ma mère has purchased Turquoise Eye Shadow.  I fear that we shall look like Old Hookers, but we mean well.

I Hate Cool Whip

21 Nov
It's time for a Cool Whip Intervention

It's time for a Cool Whip Intervention

I’m sorry, but I do. No, wait a minute.  I un-apologetically hate Cool Whip.  I wince when I see folks put Cool Whip on foods–and don’t get me started on recipes that actually say “Fold in a tub of Cool Whip!”  Ack!  Do you know what is in this stuff?  Allow me to elucidate you, if you are unaware:  water, corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated coconut and palm kernel oils, sodium caseinate, vanilla extract, xanthan gum, guar gum, polysorbate 60 and beta carotene.  For “color.”  It might as well be called “Non-Edible”, let alone “Non-Dairy.”  And then they went and made the chocolate kind and–ugh–French vanilla.  Sign of the end times, my friends, sign of the end times.

If I sound harsh, it’s partly because my spell-checker recognizes those words and partly because I’m a believer in real food, not Frankenfood.  So, for those of you who need your Cool Whip–or those of you who have friends that need their CW, please allow me to offer you some natural and yummy alternatives to top this year’s holiday desserts.

Whipped creme fraiche.  Creme fraiche is easy to make, so make some.  Once you have it and it’s chilled, you can whip it like cream.  Use brown or white sugar, or even some maple syrup or honey as your sweetener.  You can also add ground spices or extracts.  Don’t forget your pinch of salt, people.  When you whip creme fraiche, it will thin out initially.  Fear not, keep whipping and it will thicken up nicely, even to the point where you can form an elegant quenelle to perch atop your dessert.  And no, there is no real recipe–just do this to taste, and use flavors that will be complementary to your dish.

Another alternative is whipped cream.  You can treat this the same way as the creme fraiche.  The only difference will be that your creme fraiche toppings will whip up a little firmer and have a bit more of a tang to them.  You might consider saving the creme fraiche for the grown ups and pass whipped cream at the children’s table.

And if for one minute you try and tell me that you don’t want all those calories from heavy cream, I ask you “You’d rather have high fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated oils mixing with your lovely homemade creation?”  Please.  It’s the holidays.  Eat a tablespoon or two of the real stuff.

And that is what I have to say about that.  Feel free to weigh in with your comments.  I’d love to hear from you!  You can also check out my site for some more Thanksgiving dessert ideas.

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