The Great Search Term Round Up: Volume 3

In Which we find ourselves at the end of another month, ready to help answer your burning pastry questions.

Goodbye, June.  Hello, search terms that have amused me, befuddled me or made me really think.  For your enjoyment today, I present The Best search terms.  As per usual, if they are not phrased in question form, I will do that myself.  I do so enjoy a good Q&A Session.

What can I put in macaroni salad? Pretty much whatever you want.  Take your favorite veggie salad mix (or tuna or chicken salad, for that matter) use a bunch of extra dressing and fold it all in with still-warm elbows, shells or Interesting Shapes such as fusilli (Jerry) or farfalle.

Why did my flan curdle? Because your mixture boiled in the oven.  This is a Very Bad Thing for flan.  Flan should be smooth and slice cleanly.  It should Not feel like wet tweed in the mouth.  Use a water bath, and bake it low and slow at no more than 275F.  If you have a convection oven, cover the Flan Pan so it doesn’t brown.  Yes, it will take Forever to bake, but your reward will be perfect flan.

Could you give me a recipe for a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit? Dear, sweet Searcher on the Hinternet, take a biscuit, cut it open, put bacon (cooked), egg (also cooked) and cheese (skip the cooking part for the cheese) on the biscuit.  Put lid on biscuit.  Eat biscuit.  Love, PMAT Jenni.

Can you put dill pickles in macaroni salad? Despite my answer to question 1, dill pickles Do Not Like to be included in macaroni salad.  Don’t even try it.  They will be Sullen and Sad and will eye you Darkly.*

How can I sweeten sour cream? Put some sweetener in it.  Seriously–if you want something to be sweet, you need to use some sugar, brown sugar, honey, maple syrup, agave nectar or What Have You to make it so.  Here’s how you do it.  Put sweetener in sour cream.  Stir and stir.

How much sugar do people buy? It depends on how much they use.  Folks who build sugar sculptures need A Very Lot of sugar.  Folks who never eat sugar prolly don’t buy any.  If you’re looking for statistics, I did find one that stated that in 1999, Americans ate 158 pounds a year.  That’s an average, so while some folks bought/ate way less than that, others bought/ate way more.  I’m a Fan of sugar, but this seems a bit much.

Can you make pasta sauce with Cool Whip? Dear Lord in Heaven, deliver me from these Cool Whip questions, especially the ones who want to branch out and use Cool Whip creatively.  Shudder.  To answer the question, yes, I suppose you could, but no one should ever, ever, ever actually do it.  Just say no.

How do you know when caramel is done? Good question.  Once sugar begins to color, it’s technically a caramel, but the darker it gets, the less sweet and more complex the flavor.  So, you have to decide what your sweet spot on the Caramel Spectrum is.  I like to hang out down towards the far end, where the smokers and kids wearing flannel shirts gather.  Some folks might be happier on the Glee Club end of the spectrum.  If I’m making caramel for kids, I stop at a medium amber color.  For adults, I take it just past the smoke point.  To use with meats, I take it to a true mahogany.  At that point, you have to be careful, because once you get to mahogany, you’re pretty close to black, and black isn’t caramel.  It’s pure carbon.  No matter how dark/light you like it, the sugar will continue to cook once you take it off the heat.  To lock in your color, so to speak, either throw in a wee handful of ice and stir it in–carefully; it will splutter–or dunk the pan in an ice water bath to arrest the cooking.

How do I make a 13th birthday cake with marzipan? Make a cake.  Spread a thin layer of jam (or other yummy glue) on the outside.  Smooth a sheet of marzipan over the cake.  Write Happy 13th Birthday Insert-Name-Here with your choice of colored icing.  You can purchase marzipan, or you can make your own.  As long as you start with commercially produced almond paste, you should be fine.

Here’s another that I simply cannot phrase in the form of a question:  Little voices told me to.  I’m not sure what this person was looking for or how they wound up here, but I will say that, from now on, it will be my excuse for everything Eccentric that I do.  The Beloved will ask, “Dearest?  Why, oh why did you find it necessary to dye the cat green?”  And I will answer, “Little voices told me to.”  Yup, that’s my plan.

And that concludes today’s round up.  Stay tuned tomorrow for your regularly scheduled pastry programming.

*Oh, for the love of Mike, if you want dill pickles in your macaroni salad, put them in there.  Consider chopping them up first.